↺
• 1,415 notes
I remember growing up and never imaging my life without you. I saw you every day after work and would run down the stairs to talk to you about each others day. I thought you were invincible, thought you’d watch me graduate college, get married, have kids, and overall all the grand things in life parents wait for in their child’s life. They say “The good ones die young” and I never really understood that. I never felt what true loss was until the day you left. I used to cry when a guy would hurt me emotionally, I’d think it was the end of the world but none of those tears came close to the ones I cried over you. Some days I miss you more than others. There are days where I forget that you’re gone because it still doesn’t feel like it. I still think you’re on a business trip and that you’ll be home soon but at the end of the day I know I’m kidding myself by holding onto that silly concept. I can cry and beg all I want but I know I won’t be seeing you for a while and that’s okay. I tell myself that you left early because you had to not because you wanted to. I stopped talking about my feelings to people, I stopped talking to guys, and I stopped sleeping. People ask me why I wake up at random times of the night and I shrug and laugh it off by responding with “I don’t know, can’t sleep” or “I’m an early riser” but only you know that it’s because I wake up in the middle of the night crying because I can’t get the final moments with you out of my head. 10:15am is a time I’ll never forget. I was sitting in my least favorite lecture that I used to complain about to you- the dreaded Organic Chemistry class. I remember every moment from that day. I walked a couple blocks to see you and all I thought on the way was “Why am I not crying? Am I heartless? Do I not care about you?” But none of those were true. I walked in and my heart fell into a shock, it was no longer you. Time froze, everything fell silent. I always thought people over exaggerated time when something bad happens and I finally understood it, but I didn’t want to. Every second spent looking at your lifeless body felt like years. Your hands got colder every second I held it but I didn’t want to let go. I was slowly waiting to wake up from this nightmare but I never did. I know you fought 10x’s harder near the end because you wanted to see at least one of your daughters get married but sometimes God has other plans. Dad, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you worked so hard for a life you didn’t even get to finish living. I’m so so sorry. I’m so sorry I never thanked you for all the love you gave me. I’m so sorry that I’m writing this 3 months after your death instead of telling you personally when you were still around, but I guess today was the day my feelings didn’t want to be kept in anymore. But today’s also a day where I have no one but myself. All I can hope for is that you’re doing well up there with your dad. My heart aches every day knowing I’ll never hear you call me “Mia.“ My last memory of you will always be when I left my laptop at home and you weren’t allowed to drive anymore because you had tubes connected to your stomach but you insisted on driving me to the train station, no one knew but me and you. That’s who you were, you put me first even though you weren’t supposed to. I will forever love you no matter how far apart we are. I pray for my friends and that they never have to go through the heartache I feel knowing that one of my parents have left me forever because that’s one pain no one can ever heal, not even time. I’m sorry, dad."
M.Y
↺
• 8,335 notes
